Negative Self-Talk (N)

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I have an 8-year-old daughter, and I often find her saying things like, "I am so bad at everything,"; "I am the unluckiest person," and "I will never be able to get this right." Whenever I catch her saying such statements aloud, I cringe and worry.

I can see early signs of "negative self-talk" – especially in her use of all-encompassing words like "always," "never," and "everything." As a mom, I try my best to change that narrative in her mind. The more I object, the more she gives me single instances of that "time" she could not complete the puzzle (thus, bad at puzzles) or could not make a word in the Scrabble game we often play together (thus, not able to get it right) or that time in the park where she lost her toy (hence, the unluckiest person). To her, those statements represent an accurate depiction of her life. But I know those statements only represent a slice of reality and are not "entirely" true.  

The good thing is that the "negative self-talk" for her comes only in the few moments after something terrible happens (e.g., the moment: she lost the toy; the puzzle piece did not fit; she lost points on the scrabble board). She is usually upset and angry at something at that moment, and for her, it triggers this "negative inner voice."

Now, she is only 8 years old, and maybe her vocabulary and understanding of timelines and patterns are not as accurate to differentiate between "rarely," "sometimes," and "always." But we as adults sure cannot use that as an excuse. For her and my sake, I hope that as she grows, she will learn to differentiate "instances" of errors, failures, difficulties from more long-term deficiencies in oneself or one's circumstances. That shall be my parenting goal for the next 10 years.

The various forms of inner speech

Our conscious mind has this unique ability to have inner dialogues with itself. We can talk to ourselves; we can discuss things with ourselves and respond back to our own thoughts as if there are two of us in a conversation. Inner speech is a super-valuable tool consciousness has given us.

• We have conversations with ourselves where we deliberate about the different roles and facets of our identity to answer the eternal question of "who am I?" and to understand the true nature of our own "self' (Individuation or Identity dialogues).

• We have dialogues with ourselves to change our perspective on a topic, debate differing and contrasting ideas, and resolve those differences to achieve an understanding (Perspective dialogues).

• We use inner speech to learn and teach ourselves new things (Instructing dialogues)

• We use inner speech to reflect on what is happening around us- as we process stimuli and plan our future (Planning dialogue).

• We even talk to ourselves to replay and understand relationship dynamics and social interactions (Social analysis dialogue).

• We use inner speech to motivate ourselves and to remind ourselves about the good (Motivating dialogues)

All forms of such inner speech are NOT counterproductive. In fact, the internal dialogues I mention above are the cornerstone of a mature, awakened, and whole person. When this inner speech becomes a biased critic who constantly self-doubts - it becomes detrimental.

What is Negative Self-Talk (NST)?

The simplest definition of "negative self-talk" is an inner speech with oneself (silent or said out loud) that is a negative judgment (often knee jerk) about our past or future selves. It is the critical inner voice that points out our limitations, flaws, inefficiencies, and weaknesses at any given moment. Negative self-talk may come from more stable self-limiting beliefs you may have about yourself – or they could be spontaneous judgments about your capabilities. Over time, when negative self-talk is sustained, it could become the basis for long-term, firmly held limiting beliefs about self.

Negative self-talk can also be a form of rumination wherein you tend to re-live certain failures (mull over them) and/or imagine the "wreckages of your future" (catastrophizing) while engaging in self-blame. When we have these negative thoughts about our capabilities, another part of ourselves may attempt to confront the arguments.

It is as if there is a "positive me" and a "negative me" having a dialogue – presenting confronting evidence to each other. When the "self-blaming / self-doubting" inner dialogue wins the debate every time, we are in trouble! Carl Jung talked about integrating and balancing opposing views within ourselves. Confrontational internal conversations where these opposing views are debated and discussed is a healthy form of being. The problem arises when one is dominant and always gets an advantage over the other.

What motivates or triggers NST? Where does it come from?

There is significant psychological research on the antecedents of NST. We know that criticism by caregivers early in one's life can establish a negative view of oneself and increase NST. We don't realize that "excessive praise" in your childhood primarily linked to your intelligence / innate abilities can make you see every cognitive failure in adulthood as something to be ashamed of- as if you are falling short – triggering NST.

Societal norms and culture can also socialize us to form perceptions of strengths and weaknesses, and these norms and expectations become internalized into our inner speech. There is a theory called the "Dialogical Self Theory" by Hermans. This theory proposes that the content of our self-talk is heavily influenced by our personal values and thoughts and our upbringing, caregiver interactions, and the norms absorbed from society, culture, teachers, and significant others.

Internalized definitions of success from childhood experiences, educational training, and cultural socialization can unconsciously drive us to achieve "perfectionism" as seen by others (awards, prestigious titles, etc.). And, every time we do not reach those "exceptional" and "high" standards, we may blame it on our inefficiencies.

When you take pride in being a "perfectionist," – you are saying that "perfection is attainable" (is it really?), And you are saying that self-criticism with constant effort towards improvement is the only way forward (is it really?). When you believe that doing good is not/never enough –you need to do "great" – you may be fuelling that inner critic.

Competitive environments can also trigger negative self-talk. We know from research that NST is especially prevalent in sports and testing situations. When you see other talented star performers, you are reminded of how much better you can be, and such stressful comparisons can trigger self-doubt. When we are about to take a test or perform an act (game, teaching, music, theatre, speech, etc.) in public, we often use "motivating/uplifting" self-talk to cope with our worry, stress, and anxiety and calm our nerves in anticipation of challenges. In these same circumstances, negative self-talk is also very likely – as it is another under-handed way of coping with predicted difficulties- where you are preparing yourself for disappointment by telling yourself that failure is inevitable as you lack skills/knowledge. Surprisingly, negative self-talk can be soothing and temporarily remove the anxiety from wanting and caring about winning.

Negative self-talk can also take the form of an "imposter phenomenon." Imposter phenomenon is common among those who have less faith in their talent/innate abilities (in my view, natural talent is a skewed definition of strength) but have attained a level of success due to their hard work, persistence, grit, and practice. Those who suffer from the imposter phenomenon truly believe that innate talent is superior to qualities like grit. This belief, in turn, makes them afraid that they will be "found out" as they fear that they are not as "great" (innately talented) as others see them. Once again, this is a form of negative self-limiting beliefs in the face of evidence that your success is most likely determined not just by sheer talent but your hard work and grit.

What are the consequences of NST?

Negative self-talk tends to perpetuate. It becomes the lens through which you view all reality. The more you tell yourself you can't do something, the more you believe it, and the more you look at life's challenges and outcomes with that lens. NST is self-fuelling – the more you allow its presence, the more it finds ways to nourish itself. Research shows that NST can exacerbate anxiety and worry. NST can also lower self-esteem and self-worth, thereby elevating the chances of depression. All this can be quite damaging for our overall mental health.  

So, how can we become more mindful of NST and limit its adverse effects?

Here I outline ways to reduce self-limiting inner speech and engage in more balanced and integrative self-talk.

What NOT to do?

Do not try to force "positive thinking": To reduce the adverse effects of negative self-talk – it is not enough to just force "positive thinking." In fact, making self-statements such as "everything will work out,"; "be positive," and "stop thinking negatively- just kill those thoughts" have no magical power to cancel out negative self-talk. When those superficial positive self-statements are opposites to your inner dialogue and within yourself, how could they ever win the long-standing arguments from the "negative perspective." Coercing yourself to be positive is not the solution (not even possible, I think).

Do not try to distract or run away from NST: Research shows that many facing negative emotions or negative thoughts tend to use "distraction techniques" to numb themselves out of it. It might sound familiar to you. These days, the most prominent way is to binge-watch your favorite show on Netflix or consume alcohol and engage in other externally focussed activities that require your full attention, thus distracting you from your negative inner self-talk. By engaging in such distractions – you will find temporary relief. But all you are really doing is denying to acknowledge and process the presence of negative self-talk. As Freud would say, you are attempting to use a defence mechanism (denial) to push these thoughts into your subconscious or unconscious. With such forms of denial – those thoughts are likely to re-emerge.

So, what are you supposed to do if you cannot force positive thoughts, and I recommend not to distract and run away from negative self-talk?

Learn to spot it: To spot negative self-talk, you need to first know what it is. The content of all your inner emotions and thoughts is not always a "true representation of reality." Understanding all forms of inner speech and being able to differentiate between the ones I have outlined above versus NST is the first step to doing something about it. Now that you "know" the various forms and definitions of NST, you are one step closer to becoming mindful of the nature of voices in your head and the situations that might trigger them. Once you have spotted your NST, ask if it has become a habit or not?

Understand if negative self-talk has become a coping habit for you: Remember, negative self-talk has served a purpose for us and thus can be functional and unfortunately "addictive." NST can give us temporary relief from the pressures to perform, be perfect, fit others' views of us, and meet their expectations. By telling yourself about your own flaws and doubting your own abilities – you are relieving yourself from that need to meet unrealistic expectations you may have built around yourself. Ask yourself, has NST become a coping habit for you? Only when you confront yourself and notice it like a habit will you be able to change.

Habits are tenacious, and they tend to come into play "automatically" when we have less time to practice self-control or choose our thoughts. One way to know if NST has become a habit is to see if your NST is triggered when you are depleted of emotional and cognitive resources to practice self-control. If in most cognitively depleted scenarios, NST is your first response, then it has most likely become a habit of coping.

What is critical is NOT to kill and defeat these thoughts, run away (distract yourself), deny them, or replace them…. But to question it in terms of its trustworthiness and truth quality.

Confronting and Challenging NST. In psychological research, the best way to challenge and regulate emotions and thoughts is to understand what appraisal of stimuli may have triggered it and re-appraise them. The first step is to become aware that NST is happening – spot it and label it as NST. Then ask yourself what triggered it – more specifically, how did you read the cues in your environment to come to that judgment? What did you focus on, and how did you appraise that situation as good or bad?

The next step is to question whether other interpretations of the stimuli or situation are possible. This is when you are directly challenging your negative self-talk but questioning and interrogating the assessment of what is happening that triggered the negative thoughts.

Socratic questioning techniques used in psychotherapy are based on the idea that reflection and introspection can be facilitated through good questions.

Some questions you can ask yourself and how they might help.

• What failure (in the past or anticipated in the future) are you focusing on? Are you trying to achieve some external definition of perfection? Is that perfect state even possible?

• How frequently have you faced such failures in the past? Here be nuanced in capturing the frequency more specifically – avoiding using generic words like "always" and "never." This will enable you to see that your current mood makes you think that something is more frequent than they really are.

• Once you have recalled past patterns (even if you can only remember failures) – ask yourself whether those failures were all identical or whether there were different causes involved? This will allow you to identify reasons and explanations for past failures beyond your own capabilities and possibly different from the current situation.

• When your NST is triggered by anticipated failures, ask yourself – what assumptions am I holding as true that make me confident in my prediction of 100% failure in the future? This will allow you to realize that your assumptions may be giving you a false sense of certainty about the future. This realization can enable you to question whether those assumptions are accurate.

• The next step is to ask yourself what alternative assumptions can be that will predict success?

These open-ended questions are the first line of defense against your NST, as they can weaken your confidence and belief in the content of your negative self-talk.

Better to become a Sceptic. One way to reduce the effects of NST is to catch it and logically become skeptical about the negative thoughts in your mind. By challenging and interrogating the questions outlined above, you are trying to reduce the certainty you have about your deficiencies, inabilities, flaws, and chances of failure. What you are doing is moving from being sure about negative things to becoming skeptical.

It is different from being positive or optimistic. Being skeptical means you are in the moment suspending the judgment and saying to yourself that it is inevitable that you will face failure or success. A skeptical person believes that more evidence and arguments are needed to make a judgment and that no conclusion can be confidently made until more facts present themselves. Converting certain negative emotions and thoughts into a skeptical view makes you one step closer to collecting counter-evidence to refine your inner voice.

Research shows that those who suspend judgment and remain skeptical are more motivated to search for information and pay attention to supporting and counter-evidence before coming to conclusions. So, the next step is to gather evidence and pay attention to your successes/achievements consciously and strategically. At this point, it helps to recall a time when you were successful. Write the times when others were proud of you? When you were praised and recognized. Ask yourself what skills, knowledge, abilities have led to those achievements and recognition? Remind yourself that those skills have not disappeared and are still within you.

Avoid Perfectionism and Show Self-Compassion. Once you have spotted the NST, challenged it, and become more skeptical, the next step is to question your "perfectionist goals" and begin to show self-compassion. What does that mean? NST is more likely to occur when you believe that being perfect is a goal and that mistakes/failures are steps that take you away from that goal. One way to transcend NST is to accept and own up to mistakes and seek satisfaction that mistakes will provide you with learning opportunities. Remind yourself that mistakes do not reflect on your entire "self" or identity as a person. In fact, all humans make mistakes and fail. The more transparent you can become with others about your mistakes and your learnings from them – the less vulnerable and scared you will be about making new mistakes in the future.

Some Interventions that You can Try

Researchers who have studied interventions to shift negative self-talk have found the following.

a)     Third-person self-talk. This is when you shift your language and move away from words like "I" to calling yourself by your first name. Self-distancing research shows that when you change from "I" to our full name while engaging in an inner voice, you tend to take an outsider's perspective.

b)    Give Your NST voice a name. Self-compassion is more complicated than you think. You can learn to show it is to self-distance yourself and treat your inner voice like that coming from a close friend (give your NST self a name). You can then become a counselor to this inner voice (now a friend). What would you say to a friend who is convinced that everything is wrong, and failure is inevitable?

I hope you have found some meaningful insights from this article. Remember, working on your NST is a process, and make sure that when you are trying to reduce NST, you do not fall into the trap of self-blame and perfectionism if all is not resolved in the first attempt to rein in NST.

Take care.