Forgiveness at Work (F): Self-Preservation Tool You're Probably Ignoring

A-Z Series at Psychology@Work

Let me start with a confession: I was a world-class grudge-holder. 🏆

Picture me, sitting in my office, mentally replaying that time a colleague took credit for my work during a team meeting. I'd relive the injustice daily, crafting increasingly elaborate revenge fantasies involving public exposés and karmic retribution. Meanwhile, my stress levels skyrocketed, my sleep suffered, and—here's the kicker—my colleague remained blissfully unaware of my internal drama.

Sound familiar? If you're nodding along, you're in good company. In our "don't-let-anyone-cross-you" culture, forgiveness at work sounds almost... weak. Uncool. Maybe even a little woo-woo. (Is she about to suggest we all hold hands and sing kumbaya in the conference room? Not quite, I promise!)

Why Forgiveness Feels So Uncomfortable at Work 😬

Let's be real: the word "forgiveness" makes many of us squirm. It conjures images of someone getting away with bad behavior while you nobly "rise above it" (and secretly seethe inside).

The workplace—with its complex power dynamics, high stakes, and constant interdependence—is basically a petri dish for interpersonal offenses. Even if you're careful about who you trust (and I consider myself quite the trust detective these days), there will inevitably be misunderstandings, conflicts, and yes, occasional betrayals.

What makes work particularly tricky? You can't just ghost that annoying colleague like you might a disappointing Tinder date. You're stuck seeing their face in meetings, collaborating on projects, and maybe even sharing the last pod of coffee creamer with them.

The Hidden Cost of Holding Grudges (Spoiler: You're Paying Most of It) ⚡

Here's what my research on forgiveness has taught me (yes, I've spent more than a decade studying this—my grudge-holding tendencies needed professional intervention!):

When we hang onto workplace resentments:

• Our stress levels increase (hello, tension headaches!)

• Our communication becomes strained and ineffective

• Our creativity and problem-solving abilities diminish

• Our productivity takes a nosedive

• Our overall health suffers (both physical and mental)

And the person who wronged you? They're probably not losing nearly as much sleep over it as you are.

What Forgiveness Actually Is (And Isn't) 🌟

Let me clear something up right away: Forgiveness is NOT:

• Excusing bad behavior

• Forgetting what happened

• Pretending everything is fine

• Making yourself vulnerable to repeat offenses

• A one-time event where suddenly all is well

Pro Tip: Forgiveness is a process, not an outcome or a single act. It's about gradually letting go of negative emotions like resentment, bitterness, and anger toward someone who has hurt you. ⭐

Think of forgiveness as emotional decluttering. You're not throwing away the memory or the lesson—you're just removing the toxic emotional attachment that's taking up valuable mental real estate.

My Forgiveness Research Journey: What I Discovered About Getting Over Work Betrayals

About 10 years ago (in my "I need to understand why I'm so bitter" phase), my Master's thesis examined how rumination, empathy, and perspective-taking influence our decision to forgive versus take revenge.

What I discovered might surprise you: when we ruminate about workplace transgressions—replaying that moment when your boss criticized you in front of everyone or when your teammate missed that crucial deadline—we actually increase the perceived severity of what happened.

It's like watching the same movie scene on repeat but adding more dramatic music and special effects each time. Eventually, that minor slight becomes an unforgivable betrayal worthy of a Netflix documentary. (Coming soon: "Office Betrayal: The Linda from Accounting Story" 📺)

In my PhD work, I discovered something even more fascinating: different types of workplace violations require different approaches to forgiveness:

• Task violations (like missing deadlines): Forgiveness happens more easily when there's an apology with an explanation

• Relational violations (like disrespect): Repair requires apology plus empathy—showing they understand how their actions affected you emotionally

• Moral violations (like dishonesty): These need the full treatment—sincere apology, compensation offers, and promises to change future behavior

The Forgiveness Toolkit: For When You're Ready to Let Go (But Don't Quite Know How) 🧰

Ready to try forgiveness instead of fantasizing about your colleague's coffee mysteriously tasting like salt? Here are some practical steps that have worked for me and the participants in my studies:

1️⃣ Accept Where You Are

Start by recognizing what forgiveness actually is (see above!) and accept that you've been hurt. It's completely normal to feel angry, resentful, or bitter. Don't add guilt about having these feelings to your emotional burden!

I remember when a colleague presented my research findings as their own at a conference. Initially, I felt guilty for being so angry—like I should be "professional enough" to brush it off. Giving myself permission to feel hurt was actually the first step toward letting it go.

2️⃣ Avoid the Quicksand of Self-Pity

Warning: There's something oddly satisfying about being the wronged party. It gives you moral superiority and a great story to tell at happy hour. But this victim narrative is like emotional quicksand—the more you struggle in it, the deeper you sink.

Ask yourself: "Is holding this grudge helping me in any way?" (Hint: The answer is almost always no, unless you're writing a bestselling revenge thriller based on your experiences.)

3️⃣ Get Future-Focused

Acceptance is key here: What happened cannot be undone, no matter how many times you replay it in your mind.

When I find myself stuck in a cycle of workplace resentment, I literally visualize myself standing at a fork in the road: one path leads to continued rumination and bitterness, the other to letting go and moving forward. The only person who decides which path I take is me.

(And yes, sometimes I still choose the bitter path for a day or two because I'm human—but I try not to build a permanent residence there!)

4️⃣ Try Some Perspective-Taking Magic

This is where it gets interesting (and a bit uncomfortable): Try to articulate the other person's perspective. What constraints were they under? What might explain their actions from their point of view?

I challenge you to think of at least four possible reasons for their behavior—two generous ones and two less flattering ones. Collect mental evidence for each.

For example, when a team member missed a crucial deadline that affected my work:

• Maybe they were dealing with a personal crisis they didn't feel comfortable sharing (generous)

• Perhaps they were juggling too many priorities without adequate support (generous)

• They might have poor time management skills (less generous)

• They could have deprioritized my work because they don't value my contribution (less generous)

This exercise doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps you see it in a more nuanced way—which is essential for forgiveness.

5️⃣ Remember That Strong Relationships Require Work

The strongest work relationships aren't those that never face challenges—they're the ones that have weathered storms and emerged stronger.

I've found that some of my most trusted professional relationships today are with people who once disappointed or hurt me, but with whom I worked through the process of repair. The relationship became stronger precisely because we had to rebuild it intentionally.

The Bottom Line: Forgiveness is Self-Preservation

At the end of the day, forgiveness at work isn't about being noble or morally superior. It's about self-preservation. It's recognizing that carrying around resentment is exhausting, and you have more important things to do with your energy.

As I've learned through years of research (and plenty of personal practice), forgiveness doesn't mean you have to become best friends with the person who wronged you. It doesn't even mean you have to like them. It just means you're no longer giving them rent-free space in your head.

And honestly? That corner office in your mind is prime real estate. You might want to save it for something more worthwhile—like planning your next vacation or figuring out how to convince your team that casual Friday should include pajamas. 💤

Have you ever struggled with forgiveness at work? What helped you move past a workplace betrayal? I'd love to hear your stories and strategies in the comments!

PODCAST version of this Article: https://notebooklm.google.com/notebook/8030ff9e-b957-4ffc-b368-ca30d59ea4f0/audio