Empathy at Work (E): Why Being Too Understanding Might Be Hurting Your Leadership
A-Z Series at Psychology@Work
Let me make a confession: I used to be an empathy overachiever. ✋
Picture me in meetings, nodding vigorously while internally thinking, "I totally get what you're feeling!" Then patting myself on the back for being such an emotionally intelligent leader. I was the empathy champion, ready to feel ALL the feelings with my team members.
Then reality hit me like a cold splash of water . I realized my "empathy superpower" was sometimes just... wrong. Not only was I making assumptions about what others were feeling, but I was also burning myself out by absorbing everyone's emotional states like some kind of feelings-sponge. Sound familiar?
The E-Word: More Complicated Than Your Last Relationship Status 💔
We've all heard about empathy. It's that magical quality that supposedly makes us better humans, better partners, and definitely better leaders. But do we actually understand what it means?
The word "Empathy" comes from some impressive linguistic roots: the German Einfühlung (ein = in, Fühlung = feeling) and the Greek Empatheia (en = in, pathos = feeling). Essentially, it's about getting "in feeling" with someone else.
But here's where things get interesting (and by interesting, I mean complicated enough to make your brain hurt):
Empathy Isn't Just One Thing – It's a Three-Ring Circus! 🎪
Ring 1: Emotional Empathy This is when you're basically feeling what someone else is feeling. Your colleague is stressed? Suddenly you're sweating too! Your team member is excited? You're practically bouncing in your chair!
Ring 2: Cognitive Empathy This is when you understand intellectually what someone is experiencing, even if you're not feeling it yourself. "I see you're upset about the deadline change. I get why that would be frustrating."
Ring 3: Behavioral Empathy This is when you actually communicate your understanding through words or actions. It's one thing to feel or understand someone's emotions – it's another to show it effectively.
The "I Feel Your Pain" Myth ⚡
Here's something they don't tell you at leadership seminars: empathy is NOT the same as sympathy, concern, or compassion.
I learned this the hard way during a particularly challenging change in my role and the role of my team members at work. I thought I was being empathetic by imagining how devastated I would feel if my role changed. So I tiptoed around difficult conversations and sugar-coated everything. The result? Total confusion and even more anxiety among my team. I was projecting my own fears rather than understanding their actual concerns. Classic empathy fail!
Sympathy is feeling for someone, while empathy is feeling with them. And sometimes, what they need isn't for you to feel their exact emotions – they need your compassionate leadership and clarity.
Your Empathy Might Be... Wrong (Gasp!) 😱
Let's talk about something that made me question everything I thought I knew about empathy: accuracy.
Pro Tip: We rarely discuss whether our empathy is actually accurate! ⭐
Research shows (including my own – yes, I'm humble-bragging a bit here) that how we imagine others feel can be wildly different from what they're actually experiencing. I've found that people imagine entirely different feelings when asked to think of "the other as separate from self" versus imagining "self in the other's position."
Translation: When I put myself in your shoes, I'm still wearing my emotional socks.
The Empathy Burnout Is Real (And It's Not Pretty) 🔥
Picture this: You're so tuned into everyone's feelings that you're emotionally exhausted by Tuesday afternoon. Your decision-making is clouded because you're worried about how everyone will feel about every little thing. Your own well-being? That got buried under the pile of everyone else's emotions you've been carrying.
This isn't hypothetical – it's the reality for many leaders who believe more empathy equals better leadership. Research shows that in care professions, high burnout happens when people can't regulate their emotional empathy in the face of constant distress.
(And between us – sometimes work environments are basically distress factories!)
The Recovering Empathy-aholic's Toolkit: Leadership Edition ⭐
So what's a well-meaning leader to do? After years of research and my own personal trial-and-error (heavy on the error), here are two game-changing approaches:
1️⃣ Stop Saying "I Know Exactly How You Feel" (Because... Do You Really?)
When someone on your team is going through something tough, resist the urge to jump in with "I totally understand!" Instead, try curiosity:
"Can you tell me more about how you're feeling about this?"
"That sounds challenging – how is it affecting your work day?"
"What would be most helpful for you right now?"
These questions acknowledge that you care without making potentially inaccurate assumptions. They also give the other person space to actually tell you what's going on, rather than you projecting your own experience onto them.
(Warning: This approach may lead to actually understanding people better! Side effects include stronger relationships and fewer misunderstandings.)
2️⃣ Set Your Empathy Boundaries – Yes, That's Allowed!
Remember: You can still be compassionate and caring without absorbing everyone's emotions like a paper towel on a spill.
As a leader, you sometimes need to make tough decisions that won't please everyone. If you're completely immersed in emotional empathy, you might:
Over-soften constructive feedback
Avoid necessary changes
Make decisions based on emotions rather than what's actually needed
Instead, try:
Acknowledging others' feelings without drowning in them
Being clear that you care, even when delivering difficult messages
Asking team members how they'd prefer to receive feedback
Focusing on solutions and support rather than just emotional mirroring
From Empathy Overachiever to Balanced Leader
I've learned (the hard way) that being a good leader isn't about feeling everyone's feelings perfectly. It's about creating an environment where people feel seen and supported while still maintaining the clarity and boundaries needed to lead effectively.
Sometimes the most empathetic thing you can do isn't to feel what others are feeling – it's to help channel those feelings into productive actions and solutions.
Can I guarantee that this nuanced approach to empathy will transform your leadership overnight? Of course not! (Though I'd love to hear if it does!) But I can say that understanding the complexity of empathy has made me a more balanced, effective, and honestly, much less burned-out leader.
And isn't that something we could all use a little more of? 💫
What's your experience with empathy in leadership? Have you ever found yourself empathy-ing so hard you lost perspective? I'd love to hear your stories!
PODCAST based on this article: https://notebooklm.google.com/notebook/51f04c0d-5546-476b-8023-bf297835ee35/audio